


Kiss me, Kill me

by sorenitysloth



Category: Codename: Kids Next Door
Genre: Angst, Canonical Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Depression, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 13:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorenitysloth/pseuds/sorenitysloth
Summary: The DCFDTL become depressed after realizing who they were and what they used to be, accompanied by the fact that they can never go back to the lives they once had. They struggle to accept that they're different people now, and that change is a necessary part of growing up. DCFDTL x Kuki.





	1. Chapter 1

Father had raised them for as long as they could remember. And they were grateful. Father taught them how to write, and read, and speak. And they were grateful. Father taught them right from wrong. And they were grateful. Father taught them manners. And they were grateful. Father taught them not to talk back to adults. And they were grateful. Father taught them that children were to be seen and not heard...And they were grateful. Father taught them how to know their place...and they were grateful. Father taught them how to stay in line. And they were grateful...Father taught them about rules and discipline...and they...were grateful. Father had taught them everything they'd ever known...and they...were...grateful...

He cared for them...loved them...more than anyone else ever could. He had loved them ever since...well...forever. He had given them everything they ever needed. He was...constantly...giving...and giving...and giving. Probably more than they deserved. That was how much he loved them. He always had. And he always would. Even if nobody else could...

He was the only person who had ever given them love...and they loved him back...as best they could.

He could be...rough around the edges at times...but that was no fault of his own. He was a very busy man...constantly stressed out by work on top of the added burden of raising them, and fighting back against the Kids Next Door. So really...they didn't mind...if he used them as his personal pincushion, every once in a while...it was the least they could provide in exchange for all the love and care he had given them over the years...

Besides they probably deserved the rough treatment...provided all the terrible things they'd done all their lives...they knew that they were hated by most people, and they honestly could not blame them...they knew they weren't really good children...they never had been...and perhaps they never would be.

But it was alright. They didn't mind that most of the world hated them. None of that mattered...because they had Father and they knew he loved them. And as long as they had that love, they couldn't ask for anything more.

They hardly remembered anything before the day Father had taken them in.

Though they did get tiny recollections once in a while...bits and pieces of memories they weren't quite sure belonged to them.

Every once in a while, they would hear familiar voices in their heads, though they weren't quite sure who those voices belonged to. Occasionally they would converse with them in their sleep. They didn't quite grasp what was happening but it made them feel a tad less lonely.

Sometimes they would remember exactly who they were and where they came from, but they would seem to fall into an amnesia-induced sleep shortly afterwards and only recall bits and pieces of their past lives.

It was troubling and filled them with anxiety. One day they decided to get a journal. There they could record any recollections of strange memories and conversations they shared between the strange voices in their heads. And maybe eventually they could decipher what the heck was going on. As they recorded the different scenarios they experienced, the pieces of the puzzle started to fit into place.

These bodies they were using...to do terrible terrible things...didn't even belong to them...who were they...where had they come from...and why were they using innocent peoples' bodies to commit awful awful crimes against other innocent children...it wasn't right...it only made them feel more guilty...they were awful dirty disgusting creatures who only served to commit vile acts of injustice...and for what...to be loved? To be recognized by Father? He wasn't even their real dad...He was just some rotten evil man who used innocent children to do his bidding...

They'd been trapped in this situation for so long that they had practically forgotten what life was like before they became delightful. And they felt like it had had a permanent effect on their personalities, as well as their lifestyle. So they just decided to accept that this was the way things were and that it wouldn't be changing. They were terrible people and they could never make up for the atrocious acts of malice they'd carried out. They could never take back any of the things they'd already done. And that was the cross they had to bear.

Sure, Father was an abusive jerk...but they felt like they deserved it. This was their punishment for agreeing to carry out such horrible acts in the first place. They knew that they could never go back to the simple, loving, carefree, and happy days they once had. They knew they could never go back to being the people they once were. And they knew that they could never be forgiven for some of the more extreme crimes they'd committed. And that...all of that...terrified them more than anything else.

They felt awful about everything. And they were scared of how they'd be treated if they ever dared to try to enter society as normal people.

They had terrible nightmares about the things they'd done and they felt eternally haunted by them. It made them want to throw up...some of the things they'd done. No matter what they did, they were doomed to an eternity of misery and shame. On top of all the trauma caused by Father, it was just too much.

They held each other tightly as they cried out in their sleep. There was no escape. They were in this terrible lifestyle and they could never change.

The Delightful Children couldn't concentrate on anything anymore. They were too distracted, too depressed. They had started letting their grades slip, because they couldn't concentrate during class. And they stopped showing up at their afterschool activities. They knew they'd get in trouble with Father but what did it even matter...what did anything matter anymore...

They were going to get punished no matter what they did, so what was even the point in trying? They might as well just get used to it and start numbing out the pain.

Their popularity started to decline once they stopped caring about their grades and social activities. They were kicked out of their private lunch table and forced to sit with the normals kids and dorks. It didn't really matter though. Those popular kids were never their real friends anyway. They only cared about power, and social standing.

They stopped spending extra time to groom their hair, get dressed up, and apply makeup to their "perfect" faces. They just didn't have the energy, and didn't frankly care. They ditched their fancy school uniforms and started wearing baggy jeans and big sweaters with plain sneakers. They didn't really care how they looked. As long as it didn't take them an hour to get dressed. Ashley started wearing her hair in a ponytail, because it was long and got in the way. And Constance stopped styling her hair altogether. She just didn't feel like it. Her hair was usually straightened to go along with her "proper" aesthetic, but it was naturally curly and bouncy. Lenny stopped wearing his football helmet. He didn't need it anymore now that he'd stopped showing up to football practice. He started combing his hair so that his bangs hung in his face and covered his right eye. David started parting his hair with barettes and tied it back so that he could see properly. And Bruce just slathered his in hair gel and made it stick up in every direction so that he wasn't the only one with "perfect" hair.

Father was not happy about their behavior, but they just shrugged and said "Who cares?"

Even when he threatened them with punishment, they didn't flinch. They only stood by and waited for Father to act on his promises. They might as well get it over with. It wasn't as if they had anywhere to be anyway.

Once Father realized he no longer held power over them, he held up his fist and shouted "You have gotten on my last nerve!" But even that couldn't phase them.

And he stormed out of the room in a rage.

At school they had essentially sunken to the bottom of the food chain. Bigger kids used this as an opportunity to take advantage of their vulnerability. But anytime someone threatened them with bullying they only responded with, "Okay. Go right ahead."

"Huh? Aren't you going to run away?"

"What's the point?"

How lame. It wasn't fun if they didn't struggle.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh I dunno...lots of things," they responded as nonchalantly as ever.

"You're weird!" the bully shoved them against a wall and left.

The Children sunk down to the floor and watched as he left.

They bitterly laughed to themselves. How pathetic they'd become. Not that anyone cared, either way.

At lunch they tried to find a place to sit, but even the nerds were saving their seats for other people.

The Delightful Children gave up and decided to sit on the floor. People either wouldn't give up their seats because they knew who they were and despised them, or because they had lost their popularity status and the unpopular kids could use that as an excuse to ostracize them. So they'd finally gotten their just desserts had they? That was fine. It was what they deserved anyway. They had earned their way to the bottom of the food chain and they weren't planning on making their way back up anytime soon.

But no. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. No matter how low they had sunken they couldn't repay all they wrongs they'd done and they knew that.

Were they even worthy of their title anymore? The Delightful Children from Down the Lane? Who were they? There weren't any delightful children here. Only a few depressed kids trying to make their way through their daily lives. No they were the delightful children, no more. They went by a different title now. A more fitting one. The Depressed Kids from Down the Street. Yes, that was more accurate.


	2. Chapter 2

The Depressed Kids buried their heads in their knees, hoping to drown out a bit of the racket that filled the cafeteria. And they waited impatiently for the bell to ring.

But their brooding was interrupted by the soft touch of a small hand patting their backs.

Who dared to interrupt their self-loathing?

They raised their heads slowly. Kuki Sanban? What did she want? Had she come to make fun of how far they'd fallen? Go ahead. Laugh all you want. We don't have the strength to fight back anymore. But she didn't laugh. She didn't humiliate them. She didn't even admonish them for letting themselves become so pitiful. All she did was hold out a hand gently, with a warm smile on her face.

What's this...a warm ray of hope...a hand of salvation sent to redeem us? What a joke...don't make us laugh. But even though they tried to hold themselves back, they could not resist the warm feeling that overcame their senses at that very moment.

And before they knew it they were grabbing tightly onto that small hand offered down to them.

"Would you like to sit with me?" Kuki asked, holding her hand out softly.

"Sure...why not..." they didn't have anything better to do. And they roughly grabbed onto her hand as she led them away to her table.

When her friends saw who Kuki had invited to sit at their table, they grunted in disgust.

"Why'd ya have to invite them to our table, Numbuh 3?" That brute Wallabee Beatles whined in annoyance.

"What? They're not that bad," Kuki responded in their defense.

"Not that bad? Girl, I don't what you're thinking, but Numbuh 5 ain't sitting at the same table as those Delightful dorks," Abigail Lincoln got up from her seat and promptly exited the cafeteria.

"Oi, wait for me!" Wally called after her.

"Uhhhh...," that Hoagie Gilligan kid tried to come up with a polite excuse to leave, "I'm just gonna..um...water the old crops...if you know what I mean!"

"Ugh..." Nigel Uno groaned and placed a hand over his face, "Let's go, Numbuh 2."

And he dragged his friend away with him.

"Sorry, guys..." Kuki responded apologetically for her friends' behavior.

"Ehhh...no biggie." They had been arch nemeses, after all. There was no reason for the kids next door operatives to welcome them into their group just because they weren't popular anymore.

Kuki was surprised at the way they talked. They usually spoke in big fancy words and had a lot to say. But right now they just seemed to dress and act like any other kids. It was a bit jarring. But nothing to get upset over.

Either way, the Delightful Children looked down and Kuki felt like it was her job to cheer them up. If anyone was good at cheering people up, it was her.

They had been acting strange for a while, actually. Over the course of only a few weeks, they had changed from prim, proper, proud, and powerful, to normal, uninterested, downtrodden, and underachieving. All their popularity, that big reputation they had hanging over their foreheads for such a long time, came spiraling downwards until it was as if they were never a big deal in the first place. They didn't feel up to making other kids miserable anymore and that seemed to be their favorite pastime.

Kuki could tell that something was wrong and she wanted to help them. But first she had to get them to trust her. Make them understand that she meant the words she said and she was determined to not back down until she was able to make them happy.

They were becoming less and less like themselves-less delightful, day by day.

"What's wrong with you guys, lately? Did something happen?"

"Not much. We've just...grown up a bit, that's all."

No longer did they desire the things they once strove to achieve. No longer did they care.

Their new style was a bit different, though it wasn't bad.

"I love what you've done with your hair!" Kuki tried steering the convo in a different direction since they didn't seem to want to talk about it.

They didn't "do" much with it, but they knew she was trying to be nice so they thanked her for the compliment.

They talked for a while about trivial things like their interests and other such things.

Even if they hadn't realized it, they had already changed a lot from the evil children they were once known to be.

They didn't know why Kuki was being nice to them, but they felt too weak to say no to her kindness.

Over the next month or so they talked a lot and got to know each other more. The "Depressed Kids" didn't think they were very interesting company, but every time Kuki smiled gently at them, they felt a warm feeling rise inside their hearts. She was so kind and accepting with them. And she was patient in getting to know them despite the fact that they hadn't opened up much. She was kind, cute, funny...all the things they could never hope to be.

They shrank back in fear, at the realization. They shouldn't have tried to get close to her...now they'd only drag her down with them. She was so pure. And they were scared. Terrified...of corrupting her...

"We have to go..."

"Where? The bathroom?"

"No..."

They couldn't take it. They couldn't stand the thought of tainting her and her innocence.

She was too good to be hanging around criminals like them...so why did the thought of losing her sting so badly?

They ran into a unisex bathroom and started vomiting uncontrollably.

It made them sick. The thought of hurting the one person that had showed them kindness...love...

Love? Was that really how they felt about her? They didn't know...but they did know that they did not want to hurt her at any cost.

They stayed in the bathroom for 15 minutes, before regaining their composure and returning to class.

After school they saw Kuki waiting outside. They avoided her and tried to speedwalk away.

"Hey, wait up!" she called after them.

Gosh darn it, they just weren't quick enough.

"What happened at lunch today?"

How were they going to face her? They couldn't tell her the truth...

"Guys?" she tried to approach them, but without warning they collapsed onto the ground in a sobbing mess.

"Ashley, Constance, Bruce, David, Lenny..."

They sniffled and looked up at her.

"I don't know what's going on, but I'm here," she pulled them into a tight hug.

They only cried harder. Darn her...They tried to resist, but they couldn't hold themselves back from returning the warm embrace. Why did she have to make them feel this way...


	3. Chapter 3

As they broke down in front of her, Kuki did nothing, but offer her support and comfort.

Why did she make them feel so weak..."Come here," she grabbed Bruce's hand and dragged them away to the unisex bathroom, then locked the door behind them.

She grabbed some paper towels and wiped up their tears.

"Are you alright?"

They shook their heads.

"What's wrong?"

They remained silent.

"Want to come over to my house? We can talk there, if you want."

They didn't want to talk. But they didn't want to leave her presence either. They were scared. But she calmed them down.

Eventually they silently nodded and let her take them home with her.

When they got to her room, Kuki let them sit in her giant pile of rainbow monkeys.

"Now will you tell me what's wrong?"

They only shook their heads.

"If you don't tell me what's wrong I can't help you feel better," Kuki said holding up her Doctor Cuddles Rainbow Monkey.

The Depressed Kids stifled a giggle.

"Hah! Made you laugh!"

They blushed and looked away.

"Please tell me..." Kuki looked into their eyes.

"We're scared to tell you..."

"You don't have to be scared of me. I don't bite!"

"That's not it...we like you. We...love you. And that's why...we're scared of what will happen to you if you involve yourself with the likes of us."

"Is that all? If anything was going to happen it would have happened already. Besides I don't care what other people think of me. All that matters is that I love myself."

"You don't get it...We're terrible people...We've hurt so many innocent kids...We've committed so many heinous acts that we can never take back..So many times...And we're scared...that someday, we'll hurt you too...and we'll never be able to forgive ourselves..."

"That's in the past, isn't it? Tell me, when was the last time you committed an evil deed?"

"...before we cast aside our status and perfect image...shortly before we became acquainted with you."

"See? It's been a while. You're different now."

"Are we really...? We used to be good kids, long ago...Gosh it's been so long we can hardly remember...We were so young...but then things happened. We became corrupted...we turned into monsters who only got satisfaction out of pleasing adults and making other kids wet their pants. We became so messed up...we completely lost ourselves, forgot about who we were, and what we used to be...Only now do we realize how foolish we've been...But it's too late now. We can never go back to the people we used to be. And we can never be forgiven for the sins we've committed...We've changed too much. So much that we can only recall bits and pieces from our days of innocence..."

"So what if you've changed? Sure you can't go back to the same people you were in the past...but is that really such a bad thing? Everyone changes over time. None of us are the same as we were five years ago. But that's no reason to get mopey. Change is necessary in order to learn from our mistakes and become better people. Maybe you did do terrible things in the past, but you realized your mistakes didn't you? That just shows that you're already starting to change, and for the better."

Her words sliced through their insecurities like a knife. It was like she knew the exact words they needed to hear.

"Does that mean you don't think we're bad people?"

"Maybe you were, but not right now. You really have changed. And I like you the way you are."

They started crying once again.

"Are you okay?"

"Completely fine..." they chuckled.

They may have changed but they had bits and pieces of themselves. And no matter what they became, as long as they were being their true selves, they weren't completely lost and broken.

"We love you," the Run-of-the-mill Kids from Down the Road, confessed to the girl they loved.

"I love you too."

"Can we kiss you?"

"As much you like."

As long as they continued to grow, as they changed, that was a step forward to becoming better people. And Kuki loved and accepted all parts of them.


End file.
